Relena Peacecraft and the Quest for the Holy Grail
by Mogui
Summary: Parody of Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail. Relena's quest for the Holy Grail results in lot's of insanity. It's still funny even if you haven't seen the movie (of course it helps)!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own or otherwise have any right, title, or interest in Gundam Wing or Monty Python and the Holy Grail. This story is not being used for any commercial purposes. But otherwise, this parody is owned by me as an unregistered copyright.  
A large stone castle sat on the top of a quiet, peaceful hill. The silence was disturbed by a loud, clapping sounds in the tempo of a trotting horse's hoofbeat. After a few moments, a young woman, with sandy blond hair appeared with two men. A tall, distinguished, elderly gentleman on her left, and a young man with messy brown hair and penetrating blue eyes, dressed in a green tank top and spandex shorts.  
  
"It is I, Queen Relena, from the Sanq Kingdom. Queen of the World. Defeater of OZ and the stalker of young men," the young woman announced in an imperious tone. "And with me, is my trusty servant Pagan, and my knight Sir Heero in Shining Spandex."  
  
The two soldiers at the top of the guard tower squinted at her.  
  
"What do you want?" the first soldier queried.  
  
Relena took in a deep breath and bellowed out loudly, "We have ridden the length and breadth of the lands in search of Gundam knights who will join me in my court at Sanq. I must speak with your lord and master."  
  
"What? Ridden on a horse?"  
  
"Yes," Relena proclaimed loudly.  
  
The first soldier looked more carefully. "But you're using coconuts!" he protested.  
  
Relena looked down at the pair of empty coconut halves in her hands. Heero and Pagan pretended to look away.  
  
"You've got two empty coconut shells and you're just banging them together to make it sound like a horse!" the first soldier explained. He turned to the second soldier. "Get a load of this, Alex, this here girl thinks she's riding on a horse when she's just banging coconuts!"  
  
The second soldier, named Alex, peered over the castle walls. The soldier named Alex asked, "You're right, Mueller. Where in the hell did she get coconuts?"  
  
"I found them," Relena told them proudly.  
  
"Found them? We're in northern Europe. The coconut is tropical!" exclaimed a shocked Alex.  
  
"What do you mean?" Relena queried, somewhat irritated by the two guards. Heero and Pagan exchanged looks and sighed quietly.  
  
"Well, this is a temperate zone, the coconut is not native to these lands," Mueller stated simply.  
  
Relena furrowed her brows and thought about this for a moment. "Indeed, but, perhaps a swallow may have flown south in the winter and perhaps brought it back on its flight in the spring. It could grip it by the husk."  
  
"What? A swallow carrying a coconut?" Alex gasped in utter shock  
  
"No, no!" ranted a frustrated Mueller. "It's not possible for a swallow to carry a coconut. It's a simple question of weight ratios. A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut. Listen, in order to maintain air- speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right? So that means..."  
  
Relena shrieked in exasperation. "I just want to talk to your lord!"  
  
Alex turned to Mueller and tapped him on the shoulder.  
  
"It could be carried by an African swallow," he pointed out to Mueller.  
  
"Hmm...perhaps, but I didn't think the African swallows were migratory," Mueller mused thoughtfully.  
  
Relena rolled her eyes in exasperation and turned to Heero and Pagan, who were quietly making out a diagram and drawing up some quick equations with respect to certain ratios.  
  
"Let's go!" Relena snapped irritably and stomped off, throwing her coconuts behind her. Alex and Mueller continued their heated discussion as to possibility of coconut bearing swallows.  
  
Heero and Pagan shrugged, and quietly followed her.  
  
Relena, Heero and Pagan traveled on foot for another day until they reached another castle. Relena noticed a dirty figure with a long braid, working in the fields.  
  
"Excuse me, woman..." began Relena.  
  
The figure working in the field whipped around and glared at her with flashing lavender eyes.  
  
"I'm not a woman," the figure growled in a low voice. "I'm a man!"  
  
"Woman, man, whatever," Relena brushed off the other casually. "What knight lives in that castle over there?"  
  
The figure snorted in irritation.  
  
"Well, you could call me by my name, which is Duo!" the figure told her. "Or at the very least call me Shinigami!"  
  
"Well, I didn't know you were called `Duo'," Relena explained angrily. "As I was asking before..."  
  
"Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?" he interrupted her quickly.  
  
"Look, I did say I was sorry about the `woman' part, but from behind you looked..." began Relena.  
  
"What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!" he snapped.  
  
"Well, I am Queen," Relena replied defensively.  
  
"Oh...Queen, I see. Very nice. And exactly what did you do to get that title?" Duo sneered. "By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated, imperialist dogma that perpetuates the economic and social stratification in our society. The inherent contradictions of your oppression will be brought to light by virtue of the dialectic materialism as explained by..."  
  
"Hello, Duo!" chirped a short, young girl in a brown dress, who walked by. "Lovely bit of filth you seem to have gotten yourself into!"  
  
"Hello, miss," Relena interrupted.  
  
The girl looked over at Relena. "My name is Hilde. May I help you?"  
  
"Yes," Relena smiled politely. She failed to notice that Heero had casually strolled over to Duo and was quietly looking him over. "I am Queen Relena. Queen of the World. Could you tell me who is the lord of that castle over there?"  
  
"Queen of the what?" inquired Hilde.  
  
"Queen of the world," Relena replied annoyed. "That means I am your ruler."  
  
"Really?" Hilde blinked. "I didn't know we had a Queen. I thought we were an autonomous collective."  
  
Duo glared at Hilde. "You're fooling yourself, Hilde, babe. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class..."  
  
"There you go again!" Hilde cried out. "That's all I ever hear about. Working class this, working class that. You would think the proletariat are more important than me!"  
  
"Never, babe," purred Duo in an exaggeratedly seductive voice. "I could stir up a little revolution tonight if you'd like."  
  
Relena cleared her throat. This conversation was clearly getting away from her.  
  
"Please, please, good peasants! I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?!" Relena pleaded.  
  
Hilde turned to look at Relena as if the girl was insane. "No one lives there. We don't have a lord."  
  
"You don't have a lord? That's impossible..."  
  
"As Hilde was about to tell you, we're a commune," Duo smirked. "In fact, to be precise, we're actually an anarcho-syndicalist commune. Individual members of the village take turns to act as sort of an executive officer for the week. But all the decisions of that officer must be ratified by a special bi-weekly meeting through a simple majority for purely ministerial affairs. However, we require a two-thirds majority for more important affairs."  
  
Relena sighed in exasperation. "Fine! Fine! Who is your...so called `executive officer' this week?" she asked in a defeated tone.  
  
Duo grinned evilly. "I am!"  
  
"Well, executive officer Duo, we need knights to join my pacifist kingdom to ensure that the world will be at peace. Would you please care to join us?"  
  
"Do I get fed?" he asked eagerly.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Can I sleep with him too?" he asked suggestively, leering at Heero.  
  
"No!" Relena cried out. "He's mine."  
  
Heero cringed slightly at Relena's words. He hurriedly hid behind Pagan.  
  
"Hmph! I at least want a title!" Duo demanded.  
  
Relena glanced from Heero to Duo. "Well, since I sometimes call Heero `Number One', I guess I can call you `Number Two'."  
  
Duo shrugged. "Sure, why not. I'm tired of working these fields anyhow. Besides, I have to keep an eye on you imperialists to make sure you don't take advantage of the working class. Hilde, I hereby resign and the village will have to elect another leader. For my last action as executive officer, I appoint you as interim leader."  
  
Hilde clapped her hands happily.  
  
"Come on, Number One, Number Two, and Pagan," Relena sighed wearily. "We must proceed to the next castle."  
  
As they were walking down the road towards the next castle, Duo turned to look at Relena.  
  
"So why do you think you're Queen of the World?" he asked in a curious voice.  
  
Relena's eyes misted over.  
  
"Well, it began a month ago. I was getting ready for my bath sprinkled with rose petals, and then there was this strange humming sound. I turned to look over to my bathtub, and I saw a sword being held by an outstretched hand in my bathtub. It was the legendary Lady Une of the Bathtub! She told me to take the sword Excalibur and proclaimed me Queen of the World."  
  
Duo's eyes narrowed. He choked, "What?! You're telling me some strange woman, lying at the bottom of a bathtub, distributing swords, is a basis for a system of government? Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not some farcical, aquatic ceremony!"  
  
"Be quiet!" Relena yelled at the braided young man.  
  
"But you can't expect to wield supreme executive power, just because some watery tart threw a sword at you?!" Duo argued.  
  
"Shut up! Enough!" Relena cried out.  
  
"I mean, if I went around saying I was king just because some moistened whacko lobbed a blade at me, they'd put me away and throw away the keys!" Duo shouted. He suddenly stopped to reflect on what he had just revealed. "Oh wait, they've done that to me before, haven't they?"  
  
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Relena was on the verge of tears. "Shut up before I make Heero whack you!"  
  
"Ah-ha!" Duo pointed his finger at her. "We now see the violence inherent in your imperialistic system!"  
  
"Shut up!" Relena repeated angrily.  
  
"Everyone! Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed! I'm being kept down by the Man!"  
  
Heero whacked Duo on the head. For good measure, he also smacked Relena on the back of the head as well. The two recipients of Heero's irritated blows quieted down.  
  
They traveled in silence until they reached a village outside of the next castle. The village was near a large river, and a large mass was crowing near the docks. Relena and her entourage quickly hurried over to watch the spectacle.  
  
A slender young man with a tight pony-tail and dark, brooding eyes was standing on a large make shift platform. In front of him, was a woman with long blond hair and frightening, fork-like eyebrows.  
  
The crowd around the two were chanting: "A witch! A witch! A witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch!"  
  
One of the villagers raised his hands and the crowd was silenced.  
  
"My lord Wufei," the villager addressed the young man with the pony-tail, "we have found a witch. May we burn her?"  
  
The crowd cheered. "Burn her! Burn her!"  
  
Wufei frowned skeptically. "How do you know this onna is a witch?"  
  
Another villager piped out, "She looks like one!"  
  
"I am not a witch!" protested the blond haired woman angrily. Her poisonous stare made many of the villagers take an involuntary step backwards. "My name is Dorothy and I am not a witch!"  
  
Wufei looked at her carefully. She was wearing a large, black dress and a pointed, black hat. A long, fake nose was perched precariously on her face.  
  
"Uhhh, you are dressed as one," Wufei pointed out to her.  
  
"Those oafs dressed me up like this! And this isn't my nose, it's a false one!"  
  
Wufei glared at the crowd and tapped his feet impatiently. "Well?"  
  
The villagers looked at each other. Finally, the first villager spoke up. "Well, we did do the nose."  
  
"And the clothes," added another villager.  
  
"Hmm, I see," Wufei murmured thoughtfully. "So why did you think she's a witch?"  
  
"She's got unholy eyebrows!" shouted one of the villagers in the back.  
  
"And she turned me into a newt!" cried out another villager in the front.  
  
Wufei turned to look at the man. The villager seemed normal enough.  
  
The villager, as if reading Wufei's thoughts, quickly added, "She did turn me into a newt. But I'm feeling much better now."  
  
"Burn her anyway!" cried out another mysterious voice from the crowd.  
  
The crowd did the "Wave" and continued to chant: "Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!"  
  
"Quiet, good people!" called out Wufei. "There are ways of telling whether this onna is a witch. Tell me, what do you do with witches?"  
  
"Burn them!" answered someone in the crowd. The villagers continued their chant: "Burn her! Burn her! Burn, baby, burn!"  
  
"And what else burns, besides witches?" Wufei asked the crowd.  
  
The crowd looked at each other in confusion. Eventually, a lone voice from the back cried out, "Wood!"  
  
Wufei nodded. "So why do witches burn?"  
  
The same hesitant voice spoke out. "Because...they're...made of...wood?"  
  
"Good!" Wufei smiled. The crowd cheered in appreciation of the logic. Wufei continued, "So how can we tell whether she is made of wood?"  
  
"Build a bridge out of her?" asked one of the villagers in the front.  
  
Wufei shook his head. "But can you not also make a bridge out of stone?"  
  
"True, true," the villager agreed. There was a collective murmuring of confusion.  
  
Wufei decided to help the villagers out. "Does wood sink in water?" he asked slowly.  
  
"No?" a villager asserted nervously.  
  
"No! It floats!" exclaimed another villager. The crowd collectively screamed out, "Throw her into the river!"  
  
Wufei sighed. "What else floats in water?"  
  
There were all sorts of answers. "Bread!" "Apples!" "Dung!"  
  
Suddenly, Relena felt compelled to join this conversation.  
  
"A duck!" she declared in a loud voice. The crowd turned to look at her in amazement and gasped collectively at her miraculous insight.  
  
Wufei paused and turned to look at Relena carefully. Wufei then nodded. "Exactly, so logically, if she weighs the same as a duck..."  
  
"...she's made out of wood!" one of the villagers concluded.  
  
Wufei nodded happily. "And therefore..."  
  
"Here's a duck!" cried out one of the villagers. She scrambled out to the front with a poor, hapless mallard duck in her hands. "Use my duck!"  
  
"We shall use my largest scales!" Wufei announced in a grand voice. He dragged Dorothy and the duck to a set of massive scales nearby. He promptly tossed her onto one end of the scales. He carefully put the duck on the other end of the scale. Mysteriously, the scale balanced, but perhaps no one took notice of the fact that Wufei had thoughtlessly been standing on the scale with the duck.  
  
The crowd cried out in glee. "She's a witch! Burn her! Burn her!"  
  
Wufei smiled and took the duck off the scale and returned it to the woman who had provided the duck. He began to walk away, allowing the villagers to seize Dorothy.  
  
Relena pushed her way through the crowd and grabbed Wufei by the arms.  
  
"Good sir," she gasped. "Who are you? You are so wise in the ways of science!"  
  
"I am Sir Wufei," he smirked. "Pray tell, who art thou, my lady?"  
  
"I am Queen Relena," she proclaimed in happy tone. "Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to the Sanq kingdom and join us at my Oval Table in my Oval Office?"  
  
Wufei's eyes widened as he was clearly impressed. He bowed deeply. "I would be deeply honored." 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own or have any right, title, or interest in Gundam Wing or Monty Python and the Holy Grail. This story is not being used for any commercial purposes. But otherwise, this parody is owned by me as an unregistered copyright.  
Relena and her entourage proceeded east to the next village. Unfortunately, the next village was across a large expanse of desert. Grimly, the weary travelers made their way through the blistering desert.  
  
Eventually, Relena, Heero, Duo, Wufei and Pagan came across a large band of armed men in the desert. Unperturbed, Relena led the way to greet these men. As they drew closer, they noticed that most of imposing looking figures were large burly men, except for their leader. Their leader appeared to be a young looking man with blond hair and blue eyes.  
  
The armed men were also jumping around excitedly when they noticed Relena and her group approach.  
  
"Who are you?" demanded Relena of the young blond man.  
  
"My name is Quatre, and these are my loyal servants, the Maguanacs Who Say `Ni'!" he told her politely.  
  
Relena's jaw dropped in shock and fear.  
  
"No! Not the Maguanacs Who Say `Ni'!" she gasped in terror.  
  
"The same!" Quatre told her proudly.  
  
Wufei furrowed his brow in confusion. He looked carefully at the young, blond man. He did not appear particularly intimidating. "Who are you people?"  
  
"We are the keepers of the sacred words: `Ni', `Peng', and `Neee-wom'!" Quatre informed him in a slightly petulant voice.  
  
"Those who hear them seldom have lived to tell the tale," Relena whispered quietly to her knights.  
  
Quatre looked carefully at Relena and her knights and her elderly servant. The young blonde man rubbed his chin thoughtfully.  
  
"The Maguanacs Who Say `Ni'! demand a sacrifice!" Quatre announced.  
  
"But Maguanacs of Ni, we are simple travelers who seek knights to join my peaceful Oval Table in the Kingdom of Sanq," Relena attempted to explain. "My name is Queen Relena. We merely wish to cross to find the lord."  
  
Quatre gave his men a stern look. His men understood the command and quickly surrounded Relena and her band.  
  
"Ni! Ni! Ni!" the Maguanacs began screaming at Relena and her followers.  
  
Relena and the others collapsed to the ground, clutching their heads in pain. Apparently, the screaming of the sacred word was very painful to the ear. After a few moments, the Maguanacs grew silent.  
  
"We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us with a sacrifice!" Quatre threatened Relena.  
  
"Well, what do you want?" Relena asked impatiently.  
  
"We demand..." Quatre began in a grandiose tone.  
  
The Maguanacs surrounding him looked up at him expectantly.  
  
".......a shrubbery!" he concluded in a powerful voice. The Maguanacs applauded him enthusiastically.  
  
"A what?" Duo exclaimed in shock.  
  
"Injustice!" muttered Wufei.  
  
"Ni! Ni! Ni!" shouted the Maguanacs at Duo's and Wufei's temerity.  
  
Relena and her followers clutched their ears in pain. The shouts continued until Relena finally conceded, "Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery!"  
  
Quatre nodded his head in satisfaction.  
  
"You must return here with a shrubbery, or you will never cross this desert alive!" he declared vehemently. There was a wild look growing in his eyes and the other Maguanacs slowly began to put some distance between them and their unstable master.  
  
"O Maguanacs of Ni, you are both just and fair, and we will return with your shrubbery!" Relena stated firmly. Her words seemed to appease the young, blond man, who calmed down considerably. Relena gestured for her group to follow her back west towards the forest.  
  
"Please get one that looks nice!" Quatre requested politely as they were trudging off.  
  
"OK!" Relena waved back.  
  
"And not too expensive! And one that doesn't require constant watering!" Quatre added.  
  
"Fine! Fine!" Relena snapped as her group departed.  
  
As they were worked their way back to the forest, the group was looking despondent  
  
"I can't believe they want a shrubbery!" Duo complained. "Where are we supposed to find a shrubbery in a damn forest?!"  
  
Wufei grumbled as well. "I can't believe that I was so weak that I could not overcome a simple word. I feel so worthless...and less than fresh."  
  
Heero nodded. "Our mission is to find a shrubbery. Mission accepted."  
  
Duo looked at Heero. "You've been saying that every five minutes ever since we left those crazy Maguanacs. Can't you find anything better to say?"  
  
"Secondary mission is to find something better to say. Mission accepted," Heero responded in a monotone voice.  
  
"Argghhh!" screamed Duo, clutching his braid. "He is the Perfect Knight!"  
  
The group continued down the forest until they passed an old lady, who was busily watering her plants in front of her small hut.  
  
"Excuse me, old lady, but do you know where I can find a shrubbery?" Relena inquired.  
  
The old lady eyed them suspiciously.  
  
"Who sent you?" demanded the old lady.  
  
"The Maguanacs Who Say 'Ni'!" Relena admitted bashfully.  
  
"Them?! No! Never! I have no shrubberies! And I don't know where you can find a shrubbery!" cried out the old woman.  
  
"Really?" Relena asked in a dangerous voice. "If you do not tell us where we may purchase a shrubbery, my knights and I will say...well...we will say...`Ni'!"  
  
"Arrrgghhhh!" screamed the old woman. "Nooo!!!!!"  
  
Relena sighed. "Very well, if you do not choose to help us, my friends and I will be compelled to say 'Ni'! again!"  
  
"Ni! Ni! Ni!" spoke Heero in a monotone voice. Duo and Wufei stared dumbfounded as the old woman wilted beneath Heero's words.  
  
Duo growled, "I'm not sure if this is acceptable behavior. Using violence against the working class to exploit them!"  
  
"I agree, Sir Duo. It seems somewhat unjust to attack those clearly weaker than us," Wufei nodded.  
  
Suddenly, a tall, blond haired man with an aristocratic air and very gaudy clothing swept by and glared at the group.  
  
"Excuse me, but are you saying 'ni' to that elderly woman there?" he inquired in a smooth voice.  
  
"Ehhh...yes," Relena confessed with a guilty look on her face.  
  
The man shook his head mournfully and lamented, "Oh, what sad times are these when passing knights can say 'ni' at will to elderly ladies. There is such a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred! Even those who arrange design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history!"  
  
Duo's ears perked up. "Did you say shrubberies?"  
  
"Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Treize the Shrubber. I arrange, design and sell shrubberies," the eloquent man told them with a flourish.  
  
"May I purchase a shrubbery from you?" Relena asked hopefully.  
  
"Of course," Treize stated in a magnanimous voice. "As long as you agree that you shall no longer persecute the innocent with such an evil word."  
  
Treize led them back to his small dwelling and gestured at the numerous shrubberies that lay in his yard.  
  
"You are fortunate that I am having a sale," he informed them. "If you buy two, you get your third shrubbery free."  
  
"Thank you, but I believe we will only require one shrubbery," Relena told him. She opened up her purse and pointed to the nearest shrubbery. "How much?"  
  
"Five coppers," Treize told her.  
  
Relena blinked and looked at her purse. "Do you have change for silver? It's the smallest coin I have!"  
  
Treize shook his head. "But I can get you a really good deal on all this shrubbery!" He gestured at a few the more choice potted shrubbery.  
  
Relena handed him the silver. "My good man, we'll take the nicest shrubbery you have for a silver."  
  
Treize disappeared into the back and produced a beautiful, lush shrubbery and handed it to Heero.  
  
Pagan quickly took the shrubbery from Heero and embraced it lovingly. No one wanted question the elderly man's actions.  
  
Miss Relena and her somewhat loyal band of followers hurriedly returned to the desert, with their newly purchased shrubbery. After travelling in the desert for less than half an hour, they encountered the large band of Maguanacs and their blond leader.  
  
Relena dismounted and strode forward. She gestured at the shrubbery that Pagan was holding onto.  
  
"O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we cross the desert now?" she asked politely.  
  
Quatre walked up to the shrubbery that Pagan had reluctantly deposited onto the ground. He walked about and examined it carefully. After a few moments, Quatre spoke up.  
  
"Hmm...'Tis a good shrubbery. I quite like the laurels in particular...but there is one small problem..." Quatre began.  
  
"What is that?" Relena snapped, her eyebrows arching up dangerously.  
  
"We are now...no longer the Maguanacs Who Say `Ni'!" Quatre proclaimed. "We are now the Maguanacs Who Say 'Whazzzuppp!!!'"  
  
There was a loud, concerted "Whaazzzuppp!" from the surrounding Maguanacs.  
  
Relena and her knights gasped in surprise.  
  
"Injustice!" muttered Wufei irritably.  
  
Quatre had a smug look on his face.  
  
"Therefore, we must give you a new test," he told her.  
  
"What is this test, O' Maguanacs of --- who 'til recently said 'Ni!'?" Relena sighed.  
  
"First, you must find...another shrubbery!" Quatre cried out.  
  
"Another shrubbery?!" Relena gasped.  
  
"I knew we should have taken that gentleman up on his two-for-one shrubbery offer," Pagan mumbled.  
  
"Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place the shrubbery here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle," Quatre continued, gesturing at the nearby dune.  
  
"A path! A path! Whhhaaaaazzzzuuuupppp!" the Maguanacs cheered in unison. "And, then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!" Quatre finished grandly with a flourish of his thin arms.  
  
"A herring!" cheered the Maguanacs.  
  
"We will do no such things!" Relena snapped irritably.  
  
"Oh, please, Miss Relena!" Quatre begged. "Such a feat would do so much for the morale of the Maguanacs here!"  
  
"Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done," Relena said flatly.  
  
The Maguanacs fell to their knees, grasping their heads in agony. Quatre also fell down screaming at Relena's words.  
  
"Auughh!" cried out Quatre. "Don't say that word!"  
  
"What word?" Duo asked curiously.  
  
"I cannot tell, suffice it to say that there is one word that the Maguanacs who formerly who said 'Ni'! cannot hear!" Quatre shrieked.  
  
"How can we not say the word if you do not tell us what it is?" Heero asked calmly.  
  
"Arrgghhh!" cried out the Maguanacs.  
  
"I guess it must be something both Sir Heero and Dictator Relena have said, Sir Heero!" Duo piped up helpfully.  
  
"Argghhh!" cried out the Maguanacs.  
  
"You seemed to have said it too," Wufei observed dryly.  
  
"Arrghhh!" cried out the Maguanacs.  
  
Heero sat down and carefully thought about the last several sentences spoken that caused the Maguanacs to cry out in pain. Suddenly, a realization dawned upon him. He walked up to Quatre and stared at the young blond man.  
  
"It," Heero stated calmly.  
  
"Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" cried out the Maguanacs and their leader.  
  
"That's it?" Relena stated in astonishment.  
  
"Arrrgghhh!" screamed the Magauancs in agony.  
  
"Yes, apparently," Heero remarked, unimpressed by the Maguanacs' suffering.  
  
"Wow, you truly are the Perfect Knight!" Duo breathed and leered at Heero. Heero quietly hid behind Pagan.  
  
"You patsy!" Wufei smirked at Quatre.  
  
"Arrgghhh! Not that word too!" cried out Quatre in misery. "I will do anything you ask of me! Just do not say either of those two words!"  
  
"Well, then," Relena began in her imperious tone. "Then you will have to come with us to rid the world of hate and to bring love and peace to it."  
  
"Arrghhh! Fine anything you say! Stop saying that word!" cried out Quatre.  
  
"I have a solution!" Duo grinned evilly. He picked up some cloth and began packing it tightly into Quatre's ears. The Maguanacs were horrified, but did not stop the braided young man, for fear that the others may use their new found powers against them.  
  
"Now he won't be able to hear 'it'!" Duo smiled, with a very pleased look on his face.  
  
The Maguanacs cried, falling to the ground in pain. But little Quatre was looking around, blinking in surprise. Apparently, he had not heard the word.  
  
"Great, a deaf knight to help us," Wufei muttered. "How weak."  
  
"Let us continue on our quest!" Relena told everyone.  
  
Suddenly, the clouds in the sky parted letting the sun burst through. A translucent apparition of an elderly man's face appeared as the sunlight burst through.  
  
"Queen Relena," breathed the old man. "You must find the Holy Grail. It will bring peace to the rest of the world."  
  
"The Holy Grail?" Relena asked. "Where do I find that?"  
  
"Search...and it shall be found," the face told her. It then disappeared.  
  
Relena's mouth gaped in surprise. "The Holy Grail?" 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: My prior disclaimers apply to this one as well...  
  
Relena and the others were surprised at the disembodied head's revelation. The Holy Grail was a mythical artifact that would bring peace to the land. But none of them had any clues as how to find it.  
  
"What should we do?" Duo asked. "I would like to bring peace to the land. Hopefully, it means removing all the despots from the world!"  
  
Heero furrowed his brows. "We need to cover as much ground as possible. I suggest that we send Sir Wufei to the north to search, Sir Quatre to the east, Duo to the south, and Relena and Pagan to the west."  
  
"What about you?" Relena asked.  
  
"I'll figure it out eventually," he told her. "OK, let's split up gang!"  
  
Everyone stared at Heero in astonishment for a moment. For some reason, the manner in which Heero spoke the last phrase disturbed them slightly. Anyhow, the group quickly split up and headed off to their respective destination, leaving Heero to sit in quiet contemplation among the Maguanacs.  
  
Wufei's Journey.  
  
Wufei journeyed alone to the north. After walking for several days, he came upon a large cliff at the edge of a large sea. It was raining and the young knight was not particularly pleased with the slow progress that he was making on his quest. So far, he had no clues as to the Holy Grail. Suddenly, he saw a brilliant light in the distance. It appeared to be a large, glowing chalice. As he drew closer, he realized that it was coming from the top of a large, stone tower.  
  
He anxiously hurried up to the tower and banged loudly on the front door.  
  
"Open the door! Open the door!" he demanded loudly. "In the name of Queen Relena, open the door!"  
  
There was some shuffling and a loud clatter. After a moment, the door slowly creaked open to reveal dozens of women dressed in white nuns outfits.  
  
"Hello!" the girls squealed as they saw Wufei.  
  
"Welcome, gentle knight, to the Castle Chlamydia," the blond nun with blue eyes told him.  
  
Wufei's eyes widened slightly.  
  
"The Castle Chlamydia?" he asked in surprise.  
  
"Yes. Oh, dear, it's not a very good name, is it?" the blond said. "Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!"  
  
"Art thou the keepers of the Holy Grail?" Wufei asked. "I thought I saw something that could be the Holy Grail at the top of the tower!"  
  
"The what?" asked the blond woman innocently.  
  
"The Grail," Wufei repeated impatiently. "Is it here?"  
  
"Ohh, but you are tired and must rest," the woman said, ignoring Wufei's question. She turned to look at two of the women. "Prepare a bed for our guest."  
  
"Yes, Miss Sally!" the women acknowledged happily and dashed up the stairs of the tower.  
  
Sally turned to look at Wufei with a seductive eye.  
  
"The beds here are warm and soft...and very, very big," she smiled slyly at him.  
  
"Well, look...I...uhh..." began Wufei nervously as the women dragged him into the tower.  
  
"What is your name, handsome knight?" Sally purred.  
  
"My name is Sir Wufei..." Wufei stated. He quickly added for good measure, "Sir Wufei...the Chaste."  
  
"Mine is Sally Po, but you can call me anything you want," she smiled sensuously.  
  
"Look, for heaven's sake, just show me the Grail, if you have it!" Wufei yelled.  
  
"Oh my," Sally breathed, "you have suffered much. You are delirious!"  
  
"Nay! Look! I'm sure it must be around here somewhere!" Wufei shouted.  
  
"Sir Wufei, you would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality?" Sally asked with a feigned hurt in her eyes.  
  
"Well...I...uhhh......"  
  
"I am sure our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but six score young blondes and brunettes, all between the sixteen and nineteen years of age. Cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. It is a lonely life, bathing, dressing, undressing, and making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights."  
  
Sally and several girls pulled Wufei to a nearby couch. "Oh dear. Come, you must lie here. You are wounded!"  
  
Wufei looked down at himself. He did not appear to be wounded.  
  
"I am a doctor, you must let me attend to you immediately!" Sally told him. She clapped her hands and several girls in nurse outfits appeared quickly around him.  
  
"Umm...listen...I need to find the Holy Grail," Wufei explained. "Are you sure this is absolutely necessary?"  
  
"Try to relax, and let us practice our art!" Sally told him. "Let us examine you!"  
  
Wufei slapped one of the woman's hands that had strayed dangerously near the zippers of his pants.  
  
"There's nothing wrong with that," he grumbled. "Now I must continue with my quest."  
  
"Please," Sally urged him. "Let us examine you!"  
  
Again, the hands slowly moved down to his pants.  
  
"Look, this cannot be! I am sworn to chastity," Wufei protested. He tried getting off the couch, but several women pushed him back down. He grunted, "Injustice! I do not wish to fight you onnas! Let me go!"  
  
A dozen more girls appeared at the stairwell and their eyes widened when they saw Wufei being forcibly held down by a dozen young women.  
  
"Hello!" the girls squealed. "Hello! Hello!"  
  
"More onnas!" groaned Wufei miserably. "I have no time for ye weaklings. Was that the Holy Grail at the top of your tower or not?"  
  
"Holy Grail?" asked another woman with long, dark purple hair. This woman had approached quietly with the new band of women.  
  
"Yes, I saw a brilliant cup that could be the Holy Grail at the top of your tower. Tell me! Do you have the Holy Grail?!" he cried out.  
  
The woman shook her head. "I am sorry. We do not have the Grail. Oh dear, wicked, naughty Sally! She must have done it again?"  
  
Sally looked sheepishly at the other woman.  
  
"I am sorry, Noin," Sally apologized to the other woman.  
  
"Excuse me?" Wufei looked confused.  
  
Noin smiled at Wufei.  
  
"This isn't the first time that Sally has done this. She puts up a grail shaped beacon up near the light tower, to attract young knights. She must be punished. There is only one acceptable punishment for her actions. Sir Wufei, you must tie her down on a bed and spank her!" Noin said with a wicked smile.  
  
Wufei's jaw dropped. "Uhhh...."  
  
"A spanking!" cried out the girls in glee. "A spanking! A spanking!"  
  
Noin's voice grew husky. "You must spank her well. After you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you please. Then, you must spank me!"  
  
Several other girls chirped up as well. "Spank me too! Spank me!"  
  
"Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!" Sally shouted happily.  
  
"And after the spanking...we can have `extra fun'!" Noin hinted mysteriously.  
  
"Extra fun! Extra fun!" cried out the other women, their voices building up to a crescendo.  
  
"Well," Wufei mused, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "I guess I could stay a bit longer!"  
  
Suddenly, the doors of the tower burst open and Heero ran in, his sword in hand.  
  
"Sir Wufei!" Heero cried out.  
  
"Oh, hello, Sir Heero in Shining Spandex," Wufei greeted the other knight.  
  
"Quick!" Heero shouted, gesturing at the door.  
  
"What?" Wufei asked in confusion.  
  
"We must leave!" Heero urged his fellow knight. "Quick!"  
  
"Why?" Wufei asked, as he was beginning to enjoy the attention of the dozen or so women grasping at him.  
  
"You are in great peril!" Heero stated.  
  
"No, he's not!" protested Sally, putting her arms around Wufei's neck.  
  
"Silence, foul temptress!" Heero hissed, pointing his sword at Sally.  
  
"Hmm...she's got a point," Wufei admitted. "I don't feel like I'm in any danger."  
  
"Come on!" Heero insisted. "I will cover your escape!"  
  
"Look, Sir Heero, I'm fine," Wufei stated simply. "I can tackle this lot single-handed!"  
  
"Yes!" cooed Noin. "Let him tackle us single-handed!"  
  
"Yes!" agreed other girls. "Let him tackle us!"  
  
"No, Sir Wufei! Come on!" Heero called out.  
  
"No! Really, I can handle these onnas easily!" Wufei disagreed.  
  
"Ohh...yes...let him handle us!" Sally moaned. Several other girls agreed whole-heartedly.  
  
"No! Quick!" Heero insisted again.  
  
"I can beat all these onnas. There's only a little over a hundred of them!" Wufei announced in an arrogant voice.  
  
"Yes, let him beat us! Whip us! Please!" cried out Sally.  
  
"Yes, we haven't a chance!" Noin agreed.  
  
Heero dove into the crowd of women, pushing them off of Wufei. Finally, he grabbed the reluctant Wufei and dragged him forcibly out of the tower. Heero slammed the door behind him.  
  
Once outside the tower, Heero calmed down and breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"I am glad I saved you in time. You were in great peril," Heero informed him gravely.  
  
"I don't think I was," Wufei grunted skeptically, shaking his head.  
  
"Yes, you were. Terrible peril," Heero reiterated.  
  
Wufei turned stoutly around. His warrior's blood had been stirred. It was a challenge he could not deny himself. It was only a coward that would run from battle. There was a strong breeze that caused his pony tail to stir in the air dramatically.  
  
"Let me return to face the peril!" he declared with a firm voice.  
  
"No, the peril is too perilous!" Heero shouted.  
  
"Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample and taste as much peril as I can," Wufei explained in what he believed was a quite rational tone of voice. He was hoping Heero would understand the logic.  
  
Heero shook his head furiously. "No, we must find the Holy Grail! I have a clue!"  
  
Wufei turned to look at Heero with pleading eyes. "Oh please, let me just have a little bit of peril?"  
  
Heero continued to shake his head. "No, it's unhealthy."  
  
Wufei studied Heero for a moment. Then, a possibility dawned upon him.  
  
"I bet thou art gay!" Wufei asserted, pointing one of his fingers at Heero.  
  
Heero quickly turned his back to Wufei.  
  
"No, I'm not," he muttered softly. He stalked off angrily. "Come on, Wufei."  
  
After casting a wistful look at the tower, Wufei followed Sir Heero. Alas, bringing peace and justice to the world must come first. But he quickly jotted down the address of Castle Chlamydia for safekeeping until a later time. 


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: All prior disclaimers apply to this one as well.  
  
Author's Notes: I apologize in advance to Trowa supporters for making him quite out of character (but I needed to borrow him for one of my favorite scenes). But this is done in good humor (I hope). I have provided for a more humane treatment of Trowa and the others in my fanfiction "Celestial Covenant" (a much more serious fanfiction set in a fantasy realm). I really don't have anything against the poor fellow.  
  
The Tale of Sir Quatre  
  
A tall young man was sitting quietly at the top of a tower in a castle east of the desert. The young man's face and one eye was covered by a long, well-kept bang that seemed to have a mind of its own. The only visible eye stared out the window with a penetrating gaze.  
  
A larger, older man, wearing a circus ringmaster's outfit stood next to him.  
  
"Trowa," the older man told the youth, "one day, all of this land will be yours!"  
  
Trowa looked up at the older man. "Really, Ringmaster? Including the curtains?"  
  
"No, uh...not the curtains. Those are borrowed. But look yonder, young Trowa! All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land. This will eventually be your kingdom, lad," the Ringmaster said expansively.  
  
"But...I don't want any of that," Trowa protested in a soft voice. "I want the curtains and the pet lions."  
  
The Ringmaster took in a deep breath.  
  
"Listen, lad, I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, there was just a swamp and a travelling circus here. Other kings said I was daft to build a circus in a castle on a swamp. But I built it all the same, just to show'em. The first one sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. But that too sank into the swamp. I built a third one, but that one burned down, fell over, and then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one...that one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get lad. The strongest castle with a built-in circus around!"  
  
Trowa shook his head. "I don't want any of that."  
  
"What would you rather have?" the Ringmaster asked in an aggravated voice.  
  
Trowa picked up a flute and began playing a lovely musical tune.  
  
"Stop that! Stop that! You're not going to play a bloody song while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in all of Europe!" the Ringmaster told him with enthusiasm.  
  
Trowa looked up at him with sad eyes (or at least one sad eye).  
  
"But...I don't want land," Trowa said in a faint voice.  
  
"Listen, Trowa, we live in a bloody swamp! We need all the land we can get!" the Ringmaster said.  
  
"But...I don't like her," Trowa stated quietly.  
  
The Ringmaster's eyes bulged out in shock. "Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful! She's rich! She's got huge..."  
  
Trowa looked up expectantly at the Ringmaster.  
  
"...tracts of land!" the Ringmaster finished, flailing his arms to emphasize his point.  
  
Trowa's eyes fell back down to the ground.  
  
"I know, Ringmaster. But I want to marry one who can accompany me in music!" Trowa picked up his flute and began playing again.  
  
"Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Sylvia Noventa, so you'd better get used to the idea!" the Ringmaster roared. He turned around and stomped out of the room, slamming the door behind him.  
  
Trowa frowned. He was not going to sit around complacently and let his father marry him off to some strange girl. His mind worked hard to find some way out of this marriage. A thought struck him. He sat down on at a table and quickly grabbed a sheet of parchment. Trowa scribbled a few careful thoughts onto the parchment. He then looked around his room.  
  
After searching for a few minutes, he found a long dagger that his adoptive sister Catherine had given to him for his birthday. He tied the parchment onto the dagger and went to the window. With all his might, he threw the dagger out the window and hoped his prayers would be answered.  
  
A hundred yards away, Sir Quatre and his loyal Maguanac Rashid were riding down a small path. Unlike Queen Relena, Quatre had decided that travelling on horseback was quicker than walking on foot with coconuts. Suddenly, there was a loud whistling sound and a dagger buried itself into Rashid's side.  
  
Rashid's eyes widened in surprise. But more importantly, he pulled off the parchment from the dagger. The parchment was addressed to "Any Brave Knight." Ignoring his wound, Rashid quickly tried to hand the parchment to his master Quatre.  
  
"Message for you, Master Quatre," Rashid told his master. When he realized that his Master could not hear him, he yanked out the cloth that Sir Duo had earlier stuffed into Quatre's ears. Rashid repeated himself, "Message for you, Master Quatre."  
  
Quatre turned to look at Rashid.  
  
"Well taken, Rashid," Quatre approved as he took the parchment. He peered quizzically at Rashid, who was clutching his side. "Are you all right Rashid?"  
  
"I am fine. Thank you, Master Quatre," Rashid said, bowing in pain. "What does your letter say?"  
  
Quatre unfurled the parchment and began to read out loud: "To any Brave Knight who finds this note - I have been imprisoned by my father who wishes me to marry against my will. Please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle."  
  
Quatre's baby blue eyes widened in realization. "At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Rashid, you shall not have died in vain!"  
  
"Err...Master Quatre, I'm not quite dead, yet," Rashid corrected his master in a gentle tone.  
  
Quatre stared at Rashid. "Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!"  
  
"I think...I...could...could...pull through, Master Quatre," Rashid informed him, shuddering in pain.  
  
"Oh, I see," Quatre observed. "Well, then, I must be off to rescue to damsel in distress."  
  
"Actually, Master Quatre, I think I'm all right. May I come with you...?"  
  
"No, no, sweet Rashid! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular..." Quatre hesitated, searching for the right word.  
  
"Idiom, Master Quatre?" Rashid suggested helpfully.  
  
"Idiom!" agreed Quatre. "Farewell, sweet Rashid!"  
  
Rashid groaned in pain and fell over. "I'll, um...just stay here, then. Shall I, Master Quatre? Yes, I think that may be for the best."  
  
Quatre spurred his white stallion onwards towards the nearby castle, waving at his loyal servant as he rode off.  
  
Quatre came up to the gate where two guards stood at either side.  
  
"Please forgive me," Quatre said as he pulled out a large sword and struck both of the men down. He continued riding through the gates until he encountered a large reception. He frowned. The bizarre ceremony more closely resembled a large circus than anything else. Various clowns were running wild and there was a large trapeze set overhead. But he still realized that this must be the feast to celebrate the vile, forced marriage. With anger in his eyes, he rode his horse through the courtyard.  
  
He struck wildly at those nearby, his eyes having lost any semblance of sanity. Quatre cried out and swiftly kicked a blond girl to his left and continued to hack away through the crowd. The brave knight pushed his way valiantly through the crowd until he reached the tallest tower.  
  
"This must be the Tall Tower!" Quatre crowed triumphantly.  
  
The blond knight dashed up the stairs until he encountered a large door being guarded by two armed men. After quickly dispatching the two men, he kicked open the door.  
  
Quatre strode into the room.  
  
"O' fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Quatre. I have come to take you..." Quatre stopped mid-sentence. He looked at Trowa, sitting quietly in the corner. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I must have the wrong room."  
  
Trowa's eyes lit up and he clasped his hands together.  
  
"You got my note!" Trowa enthused with uncharacteristic glee.  
  
Quatre looked at the parchment he had shoved into his belt. He pulled it out sheepishly.  
  
"Uh, well, I...I got a note," Quatre admitted.  
  
"You've come to rescue me, little one!" Trowa said happily.  
  
"Er...well...no. You see, I hadn't realized..." Quatre began.  
  
"I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere...over the rainbow..." Trowa continued, ignoring Quatre entirely. He stopped for a moment and looked intently at Quatre. "Do you play any musical instruments?"  
  
"Umm...the violin," Quatre answered in confusion.  
  
"You are my knight in shining armor!" Trowa cried out in joy.  
  
Before Quatre could respond, the Ringmaster burst into the room.  
  
"Who the hell are you?!" demanded the Ringmaster.  
  
"I'm Trowa," Trowa replied simply.  
  
"Not you," snapped the Ringmaster. He jabbed a finger at Quatre's chest. "This crazed lunatic!"  
  
Quatre began to feel his cheeks flush as the situation was unfortunately becoming more and more clear.  
  
"Uh...I am Sir Quatre," the blond knight said.  
  
"He's come to rescue me," Trowa added with a smile.  
  
"Uhh...well, let's not jump to any conclusions," Quatre mumbled.  
  
The Ringmaster furrowed his brow.  
  
"Did you kill all those guards?" he asked angrily.  
  
"Uhh...Oh yes...sorry about that..." Quatre said nervously.  
  
"They cost fifty pounds each!" the Ringmaster yelled angrily.  
  
Trowa quickly took Quatre's arm and whispered into his ear, "Don't be afraid of him, Sir Quatre. I've got a rope all ready!" Trowa gestured at the rope that was hanging out the window and secured against the bedpost.  
  
"You killed eight wedding guests already," the Ringmaster accused Quatre.  
  
"Well, uh...you see...the thing is...I thought your son was a lady in distress," Quatre stated.  
  
"I can understand that," the Ringmaster agreed. "But you killed the bride's father! Lord Noventa!"  
  
"But I really didn't mean to..." Quatre started to speak.  
  
"Didn't mean to?!" the Ringmaster exclaimed in an incredulous voice. "You put your damn sword through his head!"  
  
"Oh dear," Quatre said in an ashamed tone of voice. "Is he all right?"  
  
"Of course not! You even kicked the bride, Sylvia Noventa, in the chest!" the Ringmaster continued to yell.  
  
"Well, you see...I can explain. I was riding east from the desert, on a quest for Queen Relena of the Sanq Kingdom, when I got this note..."  
  
"Queen Relena? The Sanq Kingdom?" the Ringmaster interrupted quickly. "Are you one of her knights?"  
  
"Hurry, Sir Quatre!" Trowa urged, waving the rope in front of Quatre's face. Quatre batted the rope away.  
  
"Yes, I am one of her knights," Quatre answered.  
  
"Hmm...Queen Relena...the Sanq Kingdom," the Ringmaster mused. "The Sanq Kingdom is a very good pig kingdom."  
  
"Uh, really?" Quatre was becoming more and more confused.  
  
The Ringmaster's eyes narrowed and it was clear where Trowa's had gotten his plotting mind from.  
  
"Come with me and have a drink," the Ringmaster offered, his voice having changed entirely. His broad smile and opening arms welcomed Quatre.  
  
"Well, uhh...that's awfully nice of you..." Quatre said.  
  
"Sir Quatre, are you married?" the Ringmaster asked very casually. He swept his arms around Quatre, and in the process knocked Trowa out the window.  
  
They both heard a loud splash.  
  
"What was that?" Quatre asked, somewhat alarmed.  
  
The Ringmaster shrugged. "Pay no heed. Come down with me and let's have a toast."  
  
The Ringmaster guided Quatre down the stairs and through the halls. Several people were weeping at the losses of loved ones from Quatre's attack. The Ringmaster seemed completely oblivious to the entire scene. Instead, he was gesturing at the large hall leading to the open courtyard.  
  
"Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked down through and made into one big living room. I've even got the permits for an add-on," the Ringmaster told him.  
  
"There he is!" screeched one of the guests, pointing out the blond knight. "He killed my brother!"  
  
The guests began to scream and panic. Several were picking up butter knives and any other culinary instrument to defend themselves against the crazed blond knight.  
  
The Ringmaster sighed. "Oh, bloody hell!"  
  
He jumped up onto the banquet table and looked at the carnage before him.  
  
"Hold! Please! Hold! This is Sir Quatre from Queen Relena's Court. A very brave and influential knight. And my very special guest here today!" the Ringmaster announced. "This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who...or who has weapons of mass destruction! We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my adoptive son, Trowa, has just fallen to his death."  
  
The guests murmured in confusion. Even Quatre was surprised by the statement. He looked around nervously.  
  
"But I don't want to think I've lost a son...so much as...I have gained a daughter!" the Ringmaster proclaimed.  
  
The crowd applauded appreciatively. After all, they had come to watch sentimental dribble.  
  
"For since the tragic death of her father..." the Ringmaster continued.  
  
"I'm not quite dead!" coughed Lord Noventa, an elderly man dressed in an elaborate uniform. He sprawled on the table next to the Ringmaster's foot. There was a large wound to his head.  
  
"Since the near fatal wounding of her father..." the Ringmaster corrected himself.  
  
"I'm feeling better!" Lord Noventa pointed out as he was slowly pulling himself up.  
  
The Ringmaster kicked Lord Noventa back down. He reached over and grasped a nearby sword.  
  
"For, since her own father...who when he seemed about to recover...suddenly felt..." the Ringmaster paused dramatically and drove the sword into Lord Noventa for further emphasis, "...the icy hand of death upon him."  
  
"Oh dear, look's like he has died," one of the guests observed.  
  
"And I want his only daughter, Sylvia Noventa, to look upon me as her own father...in a very real and legally binding sense," the Ringmaster added. "Sir Quatre has graciously agreed to become my son-in-law, and marry my daughter Sylvia. And I feel sure that the closing of this deal...I...uhhh...mean the marital union between Sylvia and the brave, but very, very dangerous, Sir Quatre..."  
  
Quatre looked around nervously. He looked at the young woman he presumed was Sylvia Noventa. Indeed, he did remember kicking her rather sharply in the chest. He also remembered stabbing her father in the head. He was also quite aware of the fact that she was fingering a very dangerous looking butter knife. Quatre yelped, "I think I shall be departing now!"  
  
"No...wait!" called out the Ringmaster, grasping at Quatre. But the young warrior easily evaded his grasp.  
  
The blond knight jumped off the table and onto his horse, which was grazing conveniently on a nearby salad. Quatre quickly drove his heels into the stallion and rode off, making sure the horse ran over Sylvia Noventa as a cautionary measure.  
  
When the young blond man came out of the gates, he reigned in his horse and was breathing heavily.  
  
"Quite frightening, isn't it?" a voice asked.  
  
Quatre cried out in pain and doubled over upon hearing the word 'it'! After he recovered, Quatre looked over to his side to see the young Trowa standing in the damp castle moat.  
  
Quatre nodded. "I don't think I am ready to marry," he admitted.  
  
Trowa's eyes gleamed with happiness. "Can I come with you, Sir Quatre?"  
  
Quatre nodded his agreement. "Just don't say that two letter word that begins with an 'i' and ends with a 't'!" he told Trowa.  
  
Trowa shrugged. Then, the tall, young man ran at the horse and somersaulted miraculously into the air and landed neatly behind Quatre. He pulled his arms tightly around Quatre's waist.  
  
"Let's go, my knight in shining armor," Trowa said with a grin. "By the way...can I bring my pet lions along?" 


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Same disclaimers from before apply.  
Duo's Expedition  
  
The young braided man, with a burning passion to protect the proletariat, headed south through the opens plains. After a day's travel, he encountered a tall, forbidding castle.  
  
"Hello?!" Duo called out to the castle.  
  
A guard peered over the top of the castle walls.  
  
"'Allo! Who is it?" asked the guard in a strange accent.  
  
"'Tis, I, Sir Duo. I am questing for the Holy Grail, so that it may save the working class from oppression!" Duo announced, rather proud of himself. "Who does this castle belong to?"  
  
"This is the castle of my master, Jean Luc Escargot!" the guard replied.  
  
"Please tell your lord that I have been charged by this sacred quest to protect the people. I beseech him to give me food and shelter for the night. Perhaps he can help with my quest."  
  
"Well, I'll ask him. But I doubt he will be very keen to the idea. You see, he's already got one of those," the guard responded haughtily.  
  
"Got one?" Duo asked.  
  
"Oh yes, its quite nice!" chuckled the guard.  
  
Another figure peered over the wall. "That's right, he's already got one. He bought it at a garage sale over a month ago."  
  
Duo was somewhat heartened by the revelation. "May I come up and have a look?"  
  
"Of course not!" the first guard denied him flatly. "You are an American!"  
  
"Oh yeah...then what are you?" Duo demanded.  
  
"I am French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent and these frilly sleeves?"  
  
Duo realized that this was going to be difficult. The French were notorious for making people's lives miserable, especially Americans.  
  
"If you will not show me the Holy Grail, then I shall go up there and take it myself!" Duo threatened. "I will rally the working class here and start a revolution!"  
  
The two guards at the top of the castle wall laughed.  
  
"You silly American! We French are already socialist! We do not fear your 'revolution'! Hahahahaha!" cried out one of the guards between laughs.  
  
"Yes, you do not frighten us you American pig-dog!" added the other guard. "Go and boil your bottom, you silly son of a goat. I blow my nose at you and call all you Americans uncultured! Ha! Take that!"  
  
"Now look here, my good man..." Duo began.  
  
"We do not wish to hear from your uncultivated mouth any more, you hamburger eating pig! Your mother is politically incorrect and your father smelt of elderberries!"  
  
Duo looked hurt at the last remark. He also was trying to remember what elderberries smelt like in the first place.  
  
"Is there someone else I could talk to?" Duo asked.  
  
"NO!" shouted the first guard. "Go away or we shall be forced to taunt you again! We are too busy trying to surrender our lands lying east and south of here to the other kingdoms! We do not have time for one person. Get a real army first and then we will capitulate!"  
  
"I will not go away!" Duo yelled back angrily. "I will chain myself to the nearest...tree! I will make protest posters! And I will sing folk songs all night until you are all driven mad!"  
  
"Oh dear," the first guard muttered to the other. "He sounds quite serious. Shall we resort to more drastic measures?"  
  
"Oui, oui! I think we must!" agreed the other guard.  
  
Duo was preparing to tie himself to the nearest tree when he heard a loud sound.  
  
"Mooooooooohhhhhhhh!" came a plaintive call. A large shadowy object flew overhead from the castle. Suddenly, a large cow landed with a disgusting wet thud next to Duo. Duo was horrified. He saw the castle launch another creature, which appeared to be a pig, in his general direction.  
  
"Run away!" cried Duo. He picked himself up and scampered off. "Run away! Run away!"  
  
"Haha! Foolish Americans!" laughed the first guard as he saw Duo disappear back north.  
  
After Duo's defeat by the wily Frenchmen, he trudged back north. He was feeling lonely and hungry. He also was wondering how the French had been able to convince the cow to get onto the catapult in the first place.  
  
After another day's travel, he met up with Sir Heero and Sir Wufei.  
  
"I'm so glad to see you!" cried out Duo, embracing Heero tightly. Heero politely disengaged himself from Duo by putting up his shield between the two of them.  
  
"I have found a clue!" Heero told Duo. "We must travel to the southwest until we pass a bridge. There, a wise enchanter will give us the knowledge that we need."  
  
"Well, I need a lot of things," Duo said with a leer.  
  
Heero continued to back away from the braided youth. "We should head out now."  
  
Thus, Heero, Duo and Wufei traveled to the southwest. Their journey took them through a darkened forest. As they approached a small stream, they noticed that there was an impressive looking bridge built over it. There was an equally impressive looking man standing guard at the bridge.  
  
The man was wearing a heavy suit of plate armor. The armor was colored a deep black, with the exception of the helmet. The helmet was silver and fashioned to resemble some bird of prey. The fully armored warrior was standing proudly in front of the bridge with his sword drawn.  
  
"None shall pass," the strange warrior told them in an exaggeratedly husky voice.  
  
"What?!" Wufei snapped. "Listen here, we need to cross this bridge to recover the Holy Grail to protect the people! Let us through!"  
  
"None shall pass," the stranger repeated in his disgustingly sultry voice.  
  
"Who are you?" Duo queried in an amused tone.  
  
"I am the Black Knight Zechs," the stranger stated in a throaty and sensuous voice.  
  
"But your helmet isn't black," Duo observed.  
  
"None shall pass," the Black Knight Zechs reiterated with a purr.  
  
"We must cross this bridge," Heero told him in a level voice. "Get out of our way or we will force you to move."  
  
"Then you shall die!" rasped the Black Knight Zechs.  
  
The Black Knight began to march towards them. Duo politely stepped aside to let the other two knights handle the situation.  
  
"Hold!" Heero called out to the advancing Black Knight. The Black Knight paused. Heero continued, "Let me and my companions..."  
  
He looked around and noticed that Duo was hiding in the brush. "All right, let me and Sir Wufei determine who shall fight you!" he corrected.  
  
"How shall we do this, Sir Heero?" Wufei inquired. "Shall we match swords of our own first?"  
  
Heero shook his head. He had a much more traditional method of resolving this. Heero asserted, "Rock, paper and scissors."  
  
Wufei's jaw dropped in horror. But Wufei realized that he could not honorably turn down any challenge.  
  
"One...two...three!" Heero called out.  
  
Both of them revealed their hands. Wufei picked rock. Heero had picked paper.  
  
"I shall be your opponent," Heero told the Black Knight Zechs.  
  
Wufei muttered something about the contest being rigged and stepped aside.  
  
The Black Knight Zechs charged at Heero. Heero quickly slashed out at the Black Knight Zechs. The Black Knight Zechs' left arm was lopped off by Heero's nimble attack.  
  
"Now stand aside, worthy adversary," Heero told the Black Knight.  
  
The Black Knight Zechs glanced over his wound and shook his head. "'Tis but a scratch!"  
  
"But you're left arm's been cut off!" Duo pointed out to the Black Knight.  
  
"No, it's not!" the Black Knight Zechs disagreed in his husky voice.  
  
"Well, what the hell is that?" Duo demanded, jabbing his finger in the direction of the fallen arm.  
  
The Black Knight Zechs shrugged. "I've had worse!"  
  
"You lie!" Duo gasped.  
  
The Black Knight Zechs turned to face Heero. "Come on, you wimp!"  
  
The two knights charged at each other again. This time, Heero's sword expertly dismembered the Black Knight's right arm.  
  
"Victory is ours!" crowed Duo.  
  
The Black Knight glared at Duo and then charged at Heero. He began kicking at the Knight in Shining Spandex.  
  
"Come on! Let's have at it!" insisted the Black Knight.  
  
"You are indeed...ow!...an excellent warrior, Black...ow!...Knight Zechs. Ow! But this battle is mine. Hey! Ow! Let us through," Heero spoke through gritted teeth.  
  
"What are you talking about? You a coward?!" the Black Knight scowled.  
  
"Look, you lost both your arms. Ow! You cannot continue the fight."  
  
"No, I haven't," the Black Knight denied heatedly. "It is just a flesh wound."  
  
The Black Knight continued to kick at Heero's shins.  
  
"Now look, stop that," Heero said in a dangerous voice.  
  
When the Black Knight continued to assault Heero's shins, the eyes of the Knight in Shining Spandex turned murderous.  
  
"Argghhh!" cried out Heero. In one fell stroke, he cut off both of the legs of the Black Knight Zechs.  
  
The body of the Black Knight Zechs fell to the ground.  
  
Heero cleaned off his sword and headed towards the bridge. Duo and Wufei followed him.  
  
"Hey, come back!" cried out the Black Knight Zechs. "I'm not through with you!"  
  
"What are you going to do, bleed on us?" smirked Duo.  
  
"This cannot be! I am invincible!" shouted the Black Knight Zechs.  
  
"Come on," Heero grunted. "Let's not waste any more time."  
  
"Oh? I see. We'll just call it a draw then......No? Hey! Come back! Come here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite off your knee caps! Hey...don't go away...!"  
  
Heero, Duo and Wufei crossed the bridge without further incident.  
  
* * * * * Author's Note: The next chapter will have the infamous songs. I appreciate any reviews! Special thanks to Symee-Sama for all her wonderful reviews. 


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimers: Same as before.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Author's Note: Thanks to all those who have reviewed! Please read, relax and review (the 3 R's).  
  
* * * * *  
  
The Travels of Sir Quatre and Prince Trowa  
  
Trowa had been terribly sad about leaving his lions behind, but Quatre had persuaded him that it would interfere with their quest. Quatre rode on his horse with Trowa embracing him tightly from behind. Rasheed rode along, pointedly ignoring Trowa's rather affectionate embrace of Sir Quatre.  
  
After traveling south and west for an entire day, the travelers' spirits seemed to be low and weary. Trowa felt it was his obligation to do something about it.  
  
Trowa cleared his throat and broke out into a loud song:  
  
//Bravely bold Sir Quatre rode out!//  
  
//He was not afraid to die, no doubt!//  
  
//He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,//  
  
//Or be tortured by the shrubber, his Excellency Treize!//  
  
//Brave, brave, brave Sir Quatre!//  
  
//He was not in the least bit scared to be smashed into a pulp...//  
  
Quatre looked nervously over his shoulder when Trowa emphasized the line by pounding furiously on Quatre's back. Trowa continued his song:  
  
//...Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows smashed,//  
  
//To have his kneecaps broken and his body burned away//  
  
//And his limbs all hacked, mangled, and severely gashed!//  
  
//Oh, brave, brave Sir Quatre!//  
  
At this point, Trowa was kicking and punching Quatre with emphasis as he sung the song. Rashid seemed slightly alarmed, but did not intervene. He was unsure whether this was some bizarre mating ritual from Prince Trowa's country. Whatever it was, Rashid felt it would be rude, and possibly unhealthy, to interfere.  
  
//Brave, brave Sir Quatre, fearless about//  
  
//His head smashed in and his heart cut out//  
  
//And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged//  
  
//And his pen--//  
  
"That's quite enough!" Quatre cried out, slapping Trowa's hand which had come dangerously near the cod piece of Quatre's armor. "That's enough music for now, Trowa. Hello...what's that up ahead?"  
  
Sir Quatre, Prince Trowa, and the loyal Rashid were approaching a rather imposing, gigantic figure. If Quatre's eyes were not deceiving him, it appeared to be a three headed man wearing armor. Each of the heads looked as if it belonged to a different person.  
  
"Halt! Who art thou?" demanded the three heads in unison.  
  
Trowa had always heard that music soothed the savage beast. So he decided that it was best to answer the massive warrior with a song, "He is brave Sir Quatre, brave Sir Quatre, who..."  
  
"Please, Trowa!" Quatre interrupted hurriedly. He gave the large three- headed warrior before him a guilty grin. "I'm...uhhh...nobody, really. Just passing through...."  
  
"What do you want?" asked the three-headed giant.  
  
"To fight!" Trowa sang out. "To fight and..."  
  
"Trowa, please stop!" Quatre begged. He turned to smile at the giant. "I really don't want anything. Just on my way to the store to pick up some things, that's all."  
  
"I am Dermail," the middle head announced proudly.  
  
"I am Quinze," the head on the right added.  
  
"Why do I always get to introduce myself last?" complained the head on the left.  
  
"Shut up, Otto!" the heads of Dermail and Quinze snapped.  
  
The head named Dermail turned to look evilly at Quatre and his companions.  
  
"Tell us who you are!" he commanded.  
  
Quatre looked up meekly at the three headed man. "Well, my name is Sir Quatre Raberba Winner...and I'm a knight of the Oval Table...and..."  
  
"A knight of the Oval Table!" roared the head of Dermail. "This is unacceptable! I shall have to kill you!"  
  
"We shall?" sniffed the head of Otto, still clearly hurt emotionally.  
  
"Oh, I don't think so," disagreed the head of Quinze.  
  
"Yes, let's be nice!" the head named Otto suggested.  
  
"Shut up, Otto!" the heads of Dermail and Quinze yelled.  
  
The middle head turned to the right head.  
  
"Come on, Quinze. Quick, now! Get out the sword. I want to cut off his head!" the head of Dermail commanded.  
  
"Oh, cut off your own head," the head of Quinze retorted.  
  
Quatre, Trowa and Rashid exchanged confused glances. It was clear that the three headed man had certain unresolved issues. Quatre slowly began to back his horse away, and Rashid began to follow the lead of his master.  
  
"How rude!" fumed the head of Dermail. "You should accord me the dignity I deserve!"  
  
"Dignity?" the head of Quinze cried out. "You snore!"  
  
"And you've got bad breath," the head of Otto added.  
  
"Shut up, Otto!" the heads named Dermail and Quinze shouted angrily.  
  
Otto's head turned his head away sadly. "Black Knight Zechs was never so cruel or rude to me! I miss him. I hope he's well!"  
  
"Stop bitching and let's have some tea," the head of Quinze suggested.  
  
"Oh, all right! We'll kill that blond boy first and then have tea and biscuits."  
  
"Ohh, biscuits sound nice," Otto's head enthused.  
  
"Not biscuits again," Quinze's head grumbled.  
  
"Fine," snapped Dermail's head. "We'll just kill him and have something else besides biscuits."  
  
"Fine," the heads of Quinze and Otto agreed in unison.  
  
The three heads of the giant returned to gaze before them. Their eyes scanned the area and they realized that they were alone.  
  
"It seems that the blond boy and his friends have buggered off," the middle head named Dermail noted in disappointment.  
  
Several hundred yards away, Quatre and Rashid were riding furiously away from the giant. Trowa was clinging onto Quatre. Eventually, the horses were slowed into a regular trot once they had reached a safe distance.  
  
Trowa decided to break out in song, once more, "Brave Sir Quatre ran away...."  
  
"I thought I acted rather bravely," Quatre defended himself petulantly.  
  
Trowa quickly amended his song, "Brave Sir Quatre bravely ran away!"  
  
"I didn't!" protested Quatre. "I just didn't want to fight unnecessarily."  
  
Trowa continued his verses:  
  
//When danger reared its ugly head,//  
  
//he bravely turned his tail and fled!//  
  
"No, that's not quite right!" Quatre asserted in a plaintive voice.  
  
//Yes, brave Sir Quatre turned about,//  
  
//And gallantly, he chickened out!//  
  
Quatre's eyes began to get watery with tears. He sniffed to hold them back. "But...I just wanted to..."  
  
Trowa, apparently did not take notice, and sang out:  
  
//Bravely taking to his feet,//  
  
//He beat a very brave retreat!//  
  
"All lies!" Quatre bawled.  
  
Trowa concluded his song:  
  
//Bravest of the brave, Sir Quatre!//  
  
Quatre wailed miserably and continued to cry for the next hour or so of their journey.  
  
After another day's journey, they traveled across a bridge, careful not to step on the dismembered body of a cursing black armored knight. Eventually, they came upon Heero, Wufei, and Duo, who appeared to be waiting impatiently for something.  
  
"You're here!" Duo exclaimed in surprise. "How did you know where to find us?"  
  
Quatre looked at them. "I'm actually not terribly sure. We took a path that avoided some rather unfortunate obstacles...and we somehow managed to end up here."  
  
"Brave Sir Quatre quickly ran away!" Trowa boomed out in song. "We have been running one whole day!"  
  
Quatre looked somewhat ashamed and turned to introduce Trowa to the others.  
  
"This is Prince Trowa. He doesn't speak much...but he does sing once in a while," Quatre said. "So what are you guys doing here?"  
  
"Waiting," Heero stated simply.  
  
"For what?" pressed Quatre.  
  
Duo grinned. "Heero told us that we will meet a powerful enchanter here. Heero learned of this from a wise, old insane man. So we have to wait until the enchanter comes!"  
  
It was at that moment, they heard the sounds of hoof beats. After a few moments, Relena Peacecraft and her loyal servant appeared. She was still clapping a pair of coconut husks together emulate the sounds of hoof beats.  
  
"Queen Relena has arrived," Pagan informed everyone in a somber voice.  
  
The knights bowed deeply and stared at her.  
  
"How did you come this way?" Heero asked.  
  
"I've been stalking you, silly," Relena answered simply. "No matter where in the world you go, Sir Heero, I will be able to find you."  
  
"Sounds like a standard Relena-based plot hole cover up to me," Wufei mumbled.  
  
"What are we doing here?" Relena queried.  
  
"Waiting," Heero said.  
  
After another hour of standing around and listening to the occasional song, a heavily robed figure appeared out of the forest. He had a large bald spot on his head and scraggly grey hair sprouting from the side of his head. The man also had a full moustache and a pointy looking goatee. Duo could swear that he saw a bright, multi-colored shirt beneath all those robes.  
  
"I am Howard the Enchanter!" the man introduced himself politely. "Greetings, Queen Relena!"  
  
"You know my name?" Relena asked in astonishment.  
  
"I do," Howard replied profoundly. He made a gesture and nearby rock seemed to explode on command. "I know you have all been waiting for me. You seek the Holy Grail!"  
  
"That is our quest! You know much that is hidden, O' Howard!" Relena squealed happily.  
  
"Quite," Howard agreed. He turned to a cluster of nearby rocks and entertained himself by causing them to spontaneously combust.  
  
"Umm...yes," Relena said after a while. It was becoming apparent that Howard was getting carried away blowing things up. "Our quest is to find the Holy Grail, and we've been looking for quite some time. Ages, actually..."  
  
"Yes, we've been searching for a few days already!" Duo added helpfully, earning himself a glare from Relena.  
  
Howard continued to busy himself by making things explode. After he ran out of rocks, he turned to causing various bits of shrubbery to explode.  
  
"Uhhh...look...can you tell us where..." Wufei began, but was interrupted by a violent explosion.  
  
Howard had quickly run out of shrubbery and began to make use of nearby trees. The explosions were raining wood and dangerous splinters all about.  
  
"Look...you're a busy man...uhh..." Relena began nervously.  
  
"Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail," Howard said in a casual voice. "To the south, there lies a cave... the cave of Libra, wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Doctors G, O, S, H and J...which make plain the resting place of the Holy Grail."  
  
"Where could we find this cave, O' Howard?" Relena inquired.  
  
"Follow me," Howard told them. "But follow only if ye be men or women of valor! For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with this beast and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about the entrance of the cave. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth."  
  
"What an eccentric man," Relena muttered underneath her breath, as they followed Howard the Enchanter down a narrow, litter-strewn path. 


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimers: Same chore as before, nothing more.  
  
The Beast of Libra  
  
Howard the Enchanter led Relena Peacecraft and her companions for a brisk walk until they reached a large mountain range. He gestured for them to follow him quietly up a narrow, craggy path until they stood before a large cavern. Bones and discarded weapons and armor littered the front of the cavern.  
  
Howard the Enchanter turned to look at them with a dark gleam in his eyes.  
  
"Behold the cave of Libra!" Howard breathed.  
  
"All right, everyone, keep me covered!" Heero told them, as he prepared to charge into the castle.  
  
"Cover you with what, exactly?" Wufei asked irritably.  
  
"Well...just keep me covered," Heero said.  
  
"It is too late!" Howard cried out. "The beast has arrived!"  
  
All eyes were drawn to the mouth of the cave. After a few moments, a small, white goose waddled out and honked loudly.  
  
"Where?" Relena asked. "I don't see any beast."  
  
"There!" insisted Howard, pointing at the cavern.  
  
"Behind the goose?" Duo inquired in a dubious voice.  
  
Howard shook his head. "The beast of Libra is the goose!"  
  
"You silly sod!" Relena laughed. "You were afraid of that little thing? You got us all worked up over nothing!"  
  
"You don't understand!" Howard protested. "That is Tallgeese! The most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered fowl you ever set your eyes on!"  
  
"He's not very tall," Duo pointed out. "And that's just one goose. Shouldn't we be referring to this beast as a 'tall goose?'"  
  
Howard glared at the braided young man. "Do not treat Tallgeese lightly."  
  
"What's he going to do...peck at us?" Duo smirked.  
  
Howard shook his head. "Look, that goose has a vicious streak a kilometer wide! It's a killer! A bloodthirsty beast! Its ravenous hunger knows no bounds...even worse than a tax collector!"  
  
"Weakling!" Wufei snorted.  
  
"He'll do you up a treat, mate!" Howard warned him.  
  
"So what does this Tallgeese really do?" Duo demanded.  
  
"Well...he's got HUGE, SHARP...eh...well...he can flap around...and...well just look at the damn bones! Look at the damn bones!" Howard yelled at them, flailing his arms wildly.  
  
"Go on, Pagan! Deal with that goose now!" Relena commanded her faithful servant.  
  
"As you wish, Queen Relena. One cooked goose coming right up," Pagan said.  
  
The elderly gentleman picked himself up and headed towards the goose.  
  
"Oh dear...he's going to get the treatment now," Howard muttered under his breath.  
  
The elderly man approached the goose. As soon as he was within a couple feet, the goose's eyes grew wild and it began flapping its wings vehemently. The goose began pecking and attacking the hapless servant. The others almost could swear that the goose was foaming at the mouth. There were screams of pain and horror from the loyal Pagan. Within minutes, Pagan was on the ground and no longer moving.  
  
"Good heavens!" Relena cried out. "I can't believe it!"  
  
"Yes, the beast known as Tallgeese has struck again!" Howard intoned in a serious voice. "Did any of you listen to me? Oh no, you knew it all, didn't you! Just a harmless little goose! It's always the same! I tell every questing knight..."  
  
"Shut up!" Relena snapped at him irritably. She turned to look at her knights. "We don't have much choice. All of my loyal knights, I command you to all charge this beast at once! Don't hold back!"  
  
Heero turned to look at the others. "We have numbers! Let's charge!"  
  
The others got up and yelled, "CHARGE!"  
  
Heero, Duo, Wufei, and Quatre rushed at the rather angry looking goose.  
  
After a few seconds, there was a loud clash and feathers were flying. The battle was obscured by the dust that was kicked up.  
  
Eventually, four figures emerged from the dust...running very quickly away from the cave.  
  
"Run away!" cried out Duo. "Run away! Run away!"  
  
The four returned in terrible shape. Each of them had cuts and bruises on their exposed skin. Heero, Quatre, and Wufei's armor were severely dented. Duo looked like he had a couple broken ribs. They were all panting heavily.  
  
"Hahahahaha!" laughed Howard. "I told you!"  
  
"We can't risk another frontal assault," Heero muttered. "That goose is good!"  
  
"I can't believe I was defeated by a mere goose!" Wufei cried out. "I am unworthy! I am so weak!"  
  
"Would we confuse the beast if we ran away some more?" Quatre suggested brightly.  
  
Trowa decided that it was his cue to break out into song:  
  
//Brave Sir Quatre boldly fled;//  
  
//and gallantly he wet his bed."//  
  
"It was just that one night," Quatre muttered in a low voice.  
  
"Let us taunt the goose!" Duo suggested. "Tallgeese may become cross and make a mistake! That strategy worked for the French!"  
  
Everyone turned to look at Duo.  
  
"Does any one here actually know how to speak to a goose?" Wufei inquired.  
  
Everyone shook their head negatively.  
  
"We do have the Holy Armor of Self-Detonation," Heero stated in a grim voice.  
  
Everyone gasped.  
  
"Not the Holy Armor of Self-Detonation!" Relena gasped in horror. "I thought that was supposed to be used in only the most dire of circumstances!"  
  
"This is pretty dire," Duo observed. "That goose isn't going to just keel over and let us by."  
  
"Yes, of course," Wufei agreed. "I have heard of the Holy Armor of Self- Detonation. 'Tis one of the sacred relics!"  
  
"I shall wear the Holy Armor of Self-Detonation," Heero volunteered in a serious voice. No one really wanted to argue with him on that point.  
  
Heero quickly began donning a new set of bright and shiny armor.  
  
Wufei brought out a well worn manual that came with the armor.  
  
"I shall consult the Book of Armaments!" Wufei announced. "Let's see...Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one."  
  
Everyone looked up expectantly at Wufei.  
  
"And the brave knight raised the self-detonation device up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless Thy Holy Armor of Self-Destruction that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny little bits in Thy kindest of mercy, and hopefully not the wearer of the armor as well.'"  
  
"Not terribly reassuring," Duo muttered.  
  
"And then the Lord spake, saying 'First shalt thou push the button on the self-detonation device. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then release the button on the self- detonation device. Thy armor shall become a flaming inferno and thy foe, who shall be a little nuisance in My Sight, shall be cooked. Prayest that thou shalt not be cooked too.' Amen."  
  
"Mission accepted," Heero intoned. After he was fully suited up, he pulled out a small hand held device attached to his armor. The young knight bravely strode out towards the goose.  
  
As the raging goose rushed at Heero, the young knight pressed the device.  
  
One...two...three...  
  
A brilliant and blinding explosion shook the side of the mountain. The others ducked behind the nearby rocks for cover as stray rocks, metal, and feathers flew everywhere.  
  
After the quaking disappeared, the knights and Relena nervously peered over the rocks at the cave.  
  
The goose looked quite well done, and Heero appeared quite toasty himself.  
  
"Mission accomplished," Heero stated. He promptly fainted.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Inside the Cave of Libra  
  
The group quickly bandaged up Heero using loose pieces of cloth, goose feathers, and stray shrubbery. Heero set his own broken bones and was able to stand within a matter of minutes.  
  
"We must now enter the cave of Libra!" breathed Howard in a fearful voice. He swept into the cave and the others followed him.  
  
As they walked deeper into the cave, Howard whipped out a torch and lit it. The illumination of the torch revealed writing on the walls.  
  
"There look!" Duo pointed eagerly.  
  
Heero peered at the strange writing. "What language is that?"  
  
"Come, Sir Wufei," Relena commanded. "You are a scholar. What manner of writing is this?"  
  
Wufei stepped up and examined the wall. After a moment, he concluded, "This is Aramaic."  
  
"Of course, Joseph of Arimathea!" Quatre agreed knowingly.  
  
"Of course!" Duo nodded, absolutely having no clue as to what was Aramaic or what the relevance Joseph of Arimathea had to the Holy Grail. But he suspected that neither did Quatre.  
  
Wufei furrowed his eyebrows.  
  
"The writing reads: Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of aaaaaghhhhh..." Wufei said.  
  
"What?" Heero asked.  
  
"The Castle of aaaaaghhhhh...." Wufei repeated.  
  
"What is that?" Relena demanded.  
  
Wufei shrugged. "I know not. The history books do not speak of a Castle of aaaaaghhhhh...."  
  
"Perhaps he died while writing those words," Duo suggested brightly.  
  
"Oh, come on!" Relena snorted. "If he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaaaaghhhhh'. He would just say 'aaaaaghhhhh' and simply be done dying."  
  
"Well, that's what's carved in the block!" Duo pointed at the writing. "Perhaps he was dictating."  
  
"Shut up, Duo," Relena snapped. "Sir Wufei, is there anything more?"  
  
"Nope, just 'aaaaaghhhhh'," Wufei answered.  
  
"Aauughhhh...." Quatre murmured.  
  
"No, not 'aaughhhh', but rather 'aaaaaghhhhh'. Use that back part of your throat, and try not to spit so much," Wufei suggested.  
  
Suddenly, a large shadow loomed overhead.  
  
"Good heavens!" cried out Wufei, pointing at the large, menacing figure standing behind the group. "It's the dreaded Epyon of Aaaaaghhhhh!"  
  
Everyone spun around to see a slathering, red-colored beast with far too many tentacles to be healthy. The creature's skin was covered with a disgusting layer of slime. The beast also sported rows of sharp, pointy teeth that glistened with saliva. Epyon glared at them with glowing, green eyes.  
  
"Aaaaaghhhhh!" Epyon roared.  
  
"Aaaaaghhhhh!" replied the hapless group of adventurers.  
  
"Run away!" cried out Duo. "Run away! Run awaaaaayyyy!!!!!!"  
  
Relena and her band quickly followed Duo's advice and sprinted very fast away from the beast.  
  
"How can we defeat such a terrible monster?" Relena cried out as she was running desperately.  
  
"I think we should taunt the beast! It worked for the French!" Duo recommended. He turned around and began tossing insults at the creature. "Your mother was a politician...and your father smelt of elderberries!"  
  
Epyon roared angrily. The beast picked up its speed.  
  
"That was not helpful!" Relena spat at Duo.  
  
Duo shrugged and sprinted onwards.  
  
Suddenly there was a flash of red in front of Epyon that forced it to stop. All eyes were drawn to the red rose embedded in the ground before the creature. Strange, cheesy music began to play.  
  
"Foul creature!" cried out a voice. Relena and her group looked up to see a masked man, standing on a ledge high in the cavern. He was also wearing unusually formal attire. "How dare attack such..."  
  
The man in the tuxedo paused for a moment. He peered down at Relena and her band of followers  
  
"...an interesting group of people." he finished with hesitation in his voice. The cheesy music continued on. His voice resumed its boldness. "'Tis wrong for you to interfere with a sacred quest for the Holy Grail. Your actions are unforgivable! I am Tuxedo Kamen and I shall punish you."  
  
The cheesy music and the terrible lines caused Epyon to shriek in pain. As the masked man wearing the tuxedo continued his monologue, the creature began to melt into a pathetic pool of slime.  
  
"Shall we continue on?" Howard suggested nervously. The enchanter's frightened eyes were looking warily at the masked man giving a lecture.  
  
"I think we shall," Relena agreed hurriedly. The group quickly continued deeper into the cave and hoped that the strange, tuxedo-wearing masked man would not follow.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Author's Notes: Yes, this is getting more weird. Since this is a written story, the whole "animator" and the beast of aaagghhh part didn't make any sense. So I took artistic liberty to make fun of Tuxedo Kamen from Sailor Moon. The bridge scene will come up next...and it will probably be the conclusion of this rather bizarre tale. I promise I won't kill Trowa, Symee-Sama!  
  
Scroll down for the Omake Theatre. I hope everyone enjoys it (should I add another one at the end of the next chapter?).  
  
* * * * *  
  
OMAKE THEATRE  
  
After Tuxedo Kamen's brief visit to the set of Gundam Wing, the Gundam pilots felt that they could do a much better job than Chiba Mamoru as the mysterious hero in Sailor Moon. The producers and directors of Sailor Moon decided to extend each of the boys an opportunity to try for the role of Tuxedo Kamen.  
  
***Heero Yui as Tuxedo Kamen***  
  
SM Villian: Hahaha! I will take all the energy I need so that the Dark Moon can rule the world! Hahahahaha!  
  
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?  
  
[A single red rose is deftly thrown in front of the villain and the cheesy music begins.]  
  
Heero: Omae o korosu!  
  
Director: Cut! Cut! What in the world was that? Sailor Moon characters can't go threatening to kill people.  
  
Heero (turns to stare at Director): Omae o korosu!  
  
Director: That's it! Get this guy out of here!  
  
Heero (draws his gun): Omae...  
  
***Duo Maxwell as Tuxedo Kamen***  
  
SM Villian: Hahaha! You sailor soldiers are no match for my powers! I will rule the world! Hahahahahahahaha!  
  
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?  
  
[A single black rose is expertly tossed in front of the villain and the cheesy music begins.]  
  
Duo: Hahaha! Get ready, because Shinigami is here to send you to hell!  
  
Director: Cut! Cut! You can't talk about the God of Death or sending people to hell! This is Sailor Moon, for crying out! No death! At least nothing permanent. And anything involving ruin or destruction should be pretty and cute, like Hotaru!  
  
Sailor Saturn (blushes)  
  
Director (glares at DUO): Your discussion of death is crass and crude. What is up with you Gundam pilots? Get him out of here!  
  
Duo: Damn! I needed the money. And there were so many cute chicks on this show!  
  
***Trowa Barton as Tuxedo Kamen***  
  
SM Villian: Hahaha! You are all at my mercy, you pretty sailor suited soldiers! The world is mine! Hahahahahahahaha!  
  
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?  
  
[A single red rose is thrown into the ground in front of the villain and the cheesy music begins once again.]  
  
Trowa: ..............  
  
(Everyone continues to look up expectantly at Trowa)  
  
Trowa: .............  
  
Director: Say something for crying out loud! Are you mute???  
  
Trowa: ............?  
  
Director: Cut! Cut! What the hell is going on here! Get the strong and silent one out of here. Sailor Moon requires very vocal characters. This guy doesn't cut it!  
  
***Quatre Raberba Winner as Tuxedo Kamen***  
  
SM Villain: Hahaha! The world shall feel my wrath! I shall suck up all the energy and shall leave this planet lifeless. Hahahahahahahaha!  
  
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?  
  
[A bouquet of red roses are carefully tossed to the ground in front of the villain and the cheesy music starts.]  
  
Quatre (tears in his eyes): Please, violence is not the answer! Do not destroy our Mother Earth, it is a kind and beautiful place.  
  
SM Villain: That's not in the script!  
  
Director: Cut! Cut! Where are you picking up this garbage, you sissy boy?! Captain Planet and the Planeteers?  
  
Quatre (eyes begin to turn maniacal): You mock me??? Ha! Then you shall all die! Die! All of you!  
  
Director: HELP!  
  
***Wufei Chang as Tuxedo Kamen***  
  
SM Villain: Hahahaha! My diabolical plan is almost complete! So what if all my past plans have failed miserably? This time, no one can stop me. Hahahahahaha!  
  
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?  
  
[A single red rose is thrown perfectly in front of the villain. Cheesy music blares out of the stereo system (Wufei apparently likes the music a lot).]  
  
Wufei: Stop, foul villain! Your actions are unjust and shall not be forgiven! I cannot let you and your vile plans come to fruition! I stand for justice!  
  
Director (stars in his eyes): I'm so happy! Finally one of them fits our mold!  
  
Wufei: I will defend these weaklings against your unjust oppression!  
  
Sailor Moon: Hey! We're not weak!  
  
Wufei (glares): Yes, you are. Now shut up, onna. I'm not done with my lines. I have another few pages left to go. Meanwhile, I want all of you weak onnas to keep your mouths shut!  
  
Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter, and Sailor Uranus: WHAT?! WEAK?! We'll show you!  
  
[Wufei is attacked by several Sailor Senshi.]  
  
Director (hands in face): I give up. Where is Chiba Mamoru when I need him? 


End file.
